This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad..
Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable toevery place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is onlymarginally safer
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where youdo yourbest, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are asfollows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. Inthat case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceedby occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust yourinstincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rulesleads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive,but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction.Don't you getdiscouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief inreincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants tocross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in theback. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only whentraffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because someminister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then,let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We hornto express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (twobrisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of thebazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may readthem during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade,or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meetsunderground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking coloredlights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminatedbus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go atbreakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting withsuccess.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshawand an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an externalcombustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengersthree times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. Aftercareful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed intothese auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not incontact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed intothe microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with othervehicles on the road cause no permanentdamage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare andalso learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshawdrivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and arelicensed to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise likean electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travelsat break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for aride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; theywould rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and areoften "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes andduring rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengershanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and theoverloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeyinglaws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so manyRupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear ofthese buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jestin their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning andproceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms,it means that you cannotproceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reversethroughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, Imust add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residentialareas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for eachhouse.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for thatresidence and is left untarred for easy identification by thecorporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (forthose with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is likeplaying Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst thedrivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turnsout to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, justpull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenonpasses. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do notblink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in thetruck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he hashad at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little morethan a naught.
Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feetabove the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approachingyou with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close toinvestigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all thisoccurs at night,on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are morevisible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And youmust watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only,you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver,will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not tobe construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just anstatement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessonsbetween 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and - The citizenis then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in ourconstitution. Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rateand related deaths are less in India compared to US or othercountries!!??
